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Old 09-30-2009, 04:02 AM   #1
soloist
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Default I can't believe I'm posting this but...

Ok, so I have been with the my girlfriend for just about 2 years now. Man, I can't believe I'm posting this hgeez:

Anyway, ever since we've been going together she has always had to make plans (which fall through 50% of the time) to see me, even when she has had no school or work going on (summer/winter vacations, weekends, etc..) She lives one apartment building away from me, lives with her Mom, doesn't drive yet (a fear based thing that her Mother apparently can't handle; her '99 VW Jetta is too nice to risk getting in a wreck for the sake of teaching her own daughter how to drive, blarg!). Her mother calls her constantly, to make sure that she is ok, or, to get me to run errands for her (which I sometimes refuse because I know she just doesn't want to take out her Jetta, no joke, it's crazy). This wouldn't be SUCH a problem but she is 29 and I'm 26, again WTF?

Ok, so that is a bit of venting, which I probably needed to do. The issue is that, I work full time, compose music (professionally), and have my hobbies (which can obviously be worked around) but NO MATTER WHAT, even if I pull a double shift at work, come home with a massive headache, basically feel like I just went 10 rounds with Rocky Balboa, I still try to see her with the small amount of time I have to work with. She literally, and quite regularly, will go shopping with her Mother in the morning, and say that she is too "wiped out" to hang out, WTFx2?

Now, female members, even though I know there are few out there, don't hate me, but, I've started to hang out with some of my friends that are girls, which I am a little worried about at the moment; because I don't want to lead them on, which I have hopefully avoided by stated to them that I am "unavailable", to set boundaries and make sure nobody gets hurt. Ok, so that's a tangent but I wonder if what I am doing here is "safe"?

So, I am trying to figure out if it's just me being too needy or if I have some F'ed up codependency thing going on, or, if my perception of this relationship is true and it really is unequally balanced when it comes to love, and, who is willing to make sacrifices, to be with the other person b/c they love them. Again major hgeez: here.

What's going on here, oh, and feel free to pry into my personal life, seriously if it helps me to get to the bottom of why I have such feelings of being neglected and/or not wanted/needed, it's all for the best. Hmm... another problem, I love her but this continued behavior is building a certain amount of resentment, which is distancing me from her at times. What I mean to say is, sometimes even when I am around her I sometimes find it difficult to really express the feelings I have for her because I am bothered by all of these little things. I am usually able to snap out of it within a couple hours (if we are together that long in a day). BLARG! hgeez:

Last edited by soloist; 09-30-2009 at 04:21 AM.
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:09 AM   #2
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eh do wat makes you happy. lifes to short to change for anyone woman. Honestly I think you need to read steve harveys book on relationships. As bad as that might sound it makes alot of valid points and would help make your life that much easier.

After me reading it, I made my life more about what I want and not changing for any woman, why you ask? because a woman that knows what she wants doesn't want a man changing for her thats just how little lies start and in the end big lies will end it. So find someone who digs you and makes you happy and try it out with them.

PS didn't know you were older then me I thought you were like 18 haha
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:31 AM   #3
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Yeah, that's me in the Avatar, and, I probably do better at communicating through the written word or music than speaking; especially when dealing with new people/new relationships. I've got this whole Physics/Music (technical/creative) duality in my mind, sometimes I am pulled in either direction or seemingly both at the same time. That and C'mon you know musicians don't age; totally joking on that one. Btw, I think I saw that book at my local Bookman's (a used book store), I'll have to pick it up. It all seems so trivial to me, and while most of it is, it is getting too difficult to endure.

I mean, I guess if I have to go outside my relationship to feel valued by another woman that is NOT a good sign. Thanks Greek
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:34 AM   #4
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yeah I know I watch to much tyra banks but shes fine and they took yes dear and king of queens off the air and replaced it with everyone loves raymond. But thats the episode I watched way back when. Gives you some insight, click for the other parts to
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Old 09-30-2009, 05:17 AM   #5
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You've programmed her to treat you like that. You can't always be available for her. Maybe when she steps up or when you're married you can, but she will not magically start to respect you because you give your time to her. Girls don't think like that, and it sounds like she is a girl and not a woman, regardless of her age.

Of course give her a chance, tell her how you feel. If she doesn't change within a short time, you need to make a change, that is, leave a bad relationship. She may even respect you more once you leave.

The whole relationship with her mom is another red flag. She needs some independence.
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Old 09-30-2009, 05:31 AM   #6
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I thought you just liked Stephen Bonner.
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Old 09-30-2009, 05:39 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by telafonic View Post
You've programmed her to treat you like that. You can't always be available for her. Maybe when she steps up or when you're married you can, but she will not magically start to respect you because you give your time to her. Girls don't think like that, and it sounds like she is a girl and not a woman, regardless of her age.

Of course give her a chance, tell her how you feel. If she doesn't change within a short time, you need to make a change, that is, leave a bad relationship. She may even respect you more once you leave.

The whole relationship with her mom is another red flag. She needs some independence.


I've go told this and subsequently, i've told it to many people. In your case it's glaringly obvious. Especially with what you explained...

I was once told, "If you're breathing, you're busy...you make time for who and what you WANT to make time for." Busy isn't an acceptable excuse in my opinion, anymore. Nor is "Tired"

If i hear "i was busy" it's an automatic red flag. Easy Out. If i hear I was tired, i'll give the Benefit of the doubt, but after the second "Tired." I'm chalking it up as disrespect, and as such start pulling away.


life is too short to play around with useless people.

Anyway, the point is, If someone isn't going to make time for you, don't make time for them. "Never make someone your priority when you are their option."


NOW...

ALL THAT SAID, communication is the key and you need to bring it up before it gets too out of hand...

If you don't mention it, how will she know? If she has a problem with how you feel, discuss it. If she continues in DISREGARD to your feelings....High-step.
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Old 09-30-2009, 08:06 AM   #8
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Just got out of a relationship KIND OF like this.

GTFO immediately.

You're only going to cause more hurt to yourself and your girl in the long run.

It's not working out man.

I was to ignorant at the time to realize this and had it drug out. And it sucked a whole lot more.
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Old 09-30-2009, 09:19 AM   #9
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Wow yeah like ^ said GTFO.

29 and can't drive and still lives with Mom? Only 1 complex away and can't make time to see you? Man, that's some BS. If she wanted to see you she would make time no matter how "busy" (how busy can you be if you dont go anywhere cuz you have no car?) or "tired" (tired of what? sitting around the house all day?) she is.

No disrespect to her because I don't know her but she doesn't sound that independent for a grown woman. Does she work? What's her profession? If you guys live that close it shouldn't be a problem to see each other. I would talk to her about how you feel and see what she feels. But I wouldn't put up with the situation, that wouldn't work for me.
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Old 09-30-2009, 09:31 AM   #10
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dude seriously.. my advice.. and this is in no way intended to be a bitch or make anyone feel bad, but let her go. If i love someone im going to make sure to do what i can to spend time with them, or be with them in general even if we are sitting on a couch doing nothing.. Her being wound so tight around her mothers finger is a phsycological thing.. seriously.. its alittle creepy if you ask me. Her mom obviously has some issues and this girl is feeding into them. at first when i was reading i thought hey maybe she lives far away or something... then u said she lives a building over.. seriously.. grow some balls and let her go.. date around and maybe she will realize what her mom is doing and what she is doing and come to her senses. If not dude, its not meant to be. In no way are you yanno "dumb" for dealing with this, this is solely her issue.. the only thing i would fault you for is putting up with this, for as long as you have.

Its immature to me, its like yall are 7 years old and have to sneak around her parents to see eachother.. its rediculous. If she cant stand up to her mom and tell her yanno i have a life to.. then she is going to be 40 and still living at home, and that is SAD.

If you dont mean enough to her, to where she can go shopping but she cant walk next door and see you.. then she isnt in love with you, she is using you for her convienence.. and you need to move on anyways.
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